The Foremost of Sinners... Me?

Last week was an incredible blessing. Dad and I got to attend the Shepherds' Conference and listen to a lot of different godly men talk about a lot of different things. God definitely had some work to do in my heart and still has a whole lot more. I am thankful for my lack of a job right now because it is enabling me to spend more time seeking Him and taking the time to be quiet enough to hear His still small voice. I was reading in 1 Timothy 1:12-17 today and God needs to do much work in my heart with these things.

I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because He considered me faithful, putting me into service, even though I was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor Yet I was shown mercy because I acted ignorantly in unbelief; and the grace of our Lord was more than abundant, with the faith and love which are found in Christ Jesus. It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.

I'll be honest, I have battled the concept of being the foremost of sinners for quite a while. I like to think of myself as a "good sinner". I sin, yes, but I am saved, and I truly want to please Him... so I like to make myself feel good about that. The reality is that when I actually look at the depths of my heart, it is impossible to see more sin in anyone else than there is in my own heart. This is why I can say with Paul, that I am the foremost of sinners. I really need God to do this work in my heart, because I am so self-righteous... and yet so sinful. I need to see my sin as deserving of death so that I value the cross how I ought to value it. I need God to reveal my sin and humble me before His throne so that I can approach boldly as a broken vessel, ready to be reformed into likeness of His Son.